Monthly Archives: October 2012


Well hurricane sandy did do much near my city except lots of rain and some crazy whistling wind. I still need to put the balcony furniture back. I woke up with a very bad sore throat that seems to come and go since last Monday. With a job that requires talking for about 7 hours a day which would hurt and possibly cause me to lose to my voice I decided to stay home. I went to the doctor this morning and it is not strep or thrush. Basically it hurts and I can’t seem to cough the phlem up. Doctor told me to take clartin or allegra to get rid of the histamine that it making my throat itchy. Well I have benadryl at home and it says it will help with a itchy throat so I took that. It did not tell me it was gonna knock me out. I think I fell asleep about 11 and didn’t wake up until 2:30. I ate a mcdonalds bacon,egg  and cheese biscuit and a hot mocha for breakfast after I left the doctor. I had a text from Charming from after midnight that I didn’t see until this morning. I figured i’d go see him and get early dinner before they got busy plus I slept through lunch. It is cold and rainy today so no point in doing much to my hair. Jeans, tank  and my CM  PUNK zipped hoodie and of course my converse. Well I get there and he is outside having a smoke so we talked a little bit until he finished and then we went inside. I talked to his manager and one of his good friends and was seated. I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to eat yet so I got a sweet tea and let Charming take care of another table while I decided. The plus was so not busy I had the attention of Charming, his manager and another server.I had some pictures to show them and we talked about going to chill at a bar this weekend since my friend Zoey is going to be kid free. So I decided on my food and of course had dessert and got to talk to all my restaurant buddies. Well the place picked up some after about an hour or so I paid my check and Charming appeared out of nowhere and gave me my goodbye hug and said see you soon. So I have a full tummy and good mood. I came home and feed my fur babies. And we watched the last two episodes of season 2 of true blood. I took and shower and washed my hair. I need to touch up a couple finger nails. My throat still hurts and been able to cough up some of the stuff but not all. I am hoping that sudafed will help because I think its a post nasal drip. Yeah snot in my throat . Yuck.

It’s been a while


I can’t believe I have not posted anything since october 17th. The days seem to run into each other and are a big blur. My life consists of work which really sucks sometimes especially when they send half of my team to training and shorten our hour lunch to 30 minutes. Well there went my favorite lunch spot where I got good food instead of greasy burgers and fries. I tried to have wendys on the first day of my short lunch and between the traffic on the road and then waiting in the drive thru lane I got back to the parking lot at work with five minutes to eat as I walk through the parking lot and back to my desk. Yeah I can’t eat a chicken club and fries in five minutes while walking and having to open doors. Anybody heard of heartburn. And my lunch is an hour later than it used to be. I have a sensitive stomach and throwing it off schedule is asking for trouble. Oh and they keep cancelling our time off the phone so the inquiries are piling up and getting older. So people call back and are kind of pissed when their issues haven’t been worked on or much less resolved.  So after work I should be going to the gym but I say fuck it and go see Charming. He is still the quickest and best way to put a smile on my face and get rid of my shitty stressed out mood. There was one day last week I got to spend some time with him and I was so happy I almost skipped down the hallway at work. Then one of my friends tried to put a damper on my happiness by trying to burst my bubble by saying he just sees me as a friend and nothing more and I need to be careful because I am falling for him. I have never liked when people try to tell me how to live my life and especially my love life. Its make me very mad. First of all you don’t know everything that has happened. Every word and look and touch and flirtation. And if someone is your friend you are supposed to want them to be happy not say negative things that shit on their happiness. I try to stay positive and its hard sometimes with my history of depression and almost suicide attempts and when I find someone that makes me sing happy songs to myself and the urge to skip like a little kid I am holding on the feeling as long as I can. I met him about two months ago and he is still dealing with a bitch of an ex that is holding his stuff hostage. I like him a lot and eveytime we talk and hug it makes me joyful I feel like I could burst. And yes I am still dying to kiss him but like I said earlier I am not trying to fuck this up. Health wise I feel better except a sore throat which I may have caught from Charming all though I am not sure how I did from two hugs but they were very close hugs. Oh well. Also big news I am thinking about doing NANO in 3 days but you haveal to type it and unfortunately my brain flows freer and faster writing by hand than typing. So I might be an unofficial NANO participant and just see how much I can get done and count my own damn words. We shall see. I will try to post more often. I would like to because it keeps a record of Charming.


blueandred blackandgrey

11. Write a list of ways to nurture your writing.

A short list:

  1. Write.
  2. Think about writing.
  3. Think about what you have to say.
  4. Think about stories you may want to tell.
  5. Write, without regard for the outcome.
  6. Write, and plan for the outcome.
  7. Write your thoughts.
  8. Write about things you don’t think about.
  9. Write about desires.
  10. Write about sins.
  11. Write for the hell of it.
  12. Write when you don’t feel like writing.
  13. Write, even when you feel you have nothing to say. Force yourself to be conscious.


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Saw Charming Monday and Wednesday night. Monday took him cz studs which he put in right away and really liked and thanked  me for and had dessert . I went home and he called me so i had to go back after closing and get my credit card, gave him two beers and i got my fourth hug, he smelled really good not like food. Wednesday night was breakfast for dinner. I had to make a couple stops before I could go see him including going home to change my jeans and get him more candied apples. Well I am seated and he comes over I asked him for some chocolate milk he gets that and I get my first plate. He sits down across me in the booth and he’s making grumbling noises so I ask him what’s wrong and he says that there is lady customer being a total bitch to everybody. There pretty slow which is not good for tips but its good for me because he sits down with me and we can talk. I had been really hungry from the damn Prednisone in my system I took my last one on Monday but apparently it hangs out for awhile. So I ate four plates of food and two glasses of chocolate milk. My second one was free. There are no free refills on chocolate milk but since I treat him so good he got me another glass and didn’t charge me for it. Well I had been having a tummy issue where I hadn’t taken a crap in days probably the damn medicine but as soon as I finished my second glass of milk I had to go. I just made it the bathroom when not only did I get to go poop but a wave of nausea hit me too and I started sweating like crazy. When I felt it was safe to leave the bathroom I had to ask for a cup of ice water. Charming was in the kitchen doing something so I paid my bill and snuck back to the kitchen area got his attention and almost gave him two fives instead of one which would have been a 100% tip. I still felt of sick so I sat in the parking lot for a couple minutes with the windows down and drinking my ice water. I got home and laid down. We texted a little bit that night.



I signed up for a read-a thon today and only 7 pages. Damn. Well I had to the grocery store and instead of getting little hand basket I got a cart and filled that sucker up good. I had not been real grocery shopping awhile and I needed food and drink and toilet paper. I got a bunch of cans of stuff and little baby sodas. One good thing about feeling crappy and sick lately is I have lost 5 pounds and my size 12 jeans are now trying to fall off my ass. Luckily I have some 10s just in case and like to lose another five but who knows. I need the go to my free gym at work but after 8 hours there I usually just want to run from the building and peel out of the parking lot. But the gym bag with clean clothes nice new balance sneakers water bottle and ipod with headphones are all in there ready to go.  When I actually do work I feel better but making myself do it is a challenge and I usually be good going like 3 times a week for about 3 weeks and then I give it up again. I could have killed my cat today because she peed on the couch again not just on one cushion but right in the middle of both. I shoved one cushion in the washing machine and then dryer and it got totally fucked up. So I threw it away. I cleaned the second one with a lysol wipes. And now the couch is going to feel really strange because instead of two cushions it has one and then big throw pillows on the other side. Damn fucking cat. A second cat has been throwing up and can’t take a crap and I don’t have the money or even enough on my credit card to take her to the vet. I haven’t had a full paycheck in like over 2 months because I keep getting sick. I am trying to keep my mood up which Charming helps with definitely but some days and especially nights its hard when my mind won’t shut off and thinks of way too much shit and goes to dark places. I have been in two actual cat fights in the last few days. My cat that pisses on the furniture put 6 holes in my left foot last night. The usual attack cat tried to attack my littlest furbaby and I got in the middle of it and got my arm tore up. I went to go see
Charming and get some steak and baked potato for dinner. He was running all over the place and got cussed out by some fat fucker because the restaurant only has one person at night who can run the register and that is Charming. So he has tables all the place the register and making fucking tea. I took him a candied apple and caramel apple my roommate made last night because when we texting last night he said he wanted some apples. We were texting until a little after 1 am and then I got tired so we said goodnight. I really want to pick up after work tonight because I am tired of hanging by myself and we can talk to other with no awkward pauses and
Valient is definitely the strong silent type man of few words. And hardly talking and just making out and having sex isn’t really working for me anymore. I’ve been doing that for too many fucking years.

Can’t sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It’s 6:17am and I can’t go to sleep I have been up since 8:05am I think. I have taken 15 pills between 9:15am and 11:00pm. 3 Prednisone, 3librax  for my ibs 3 zovirax to prevent cold sores , 2 benadryl for the rash my antibiotic for my bacteria infection in butt cheek caused, 1effexor xr my antidepressant/ headache preventor which does not help with my headaches and 2 trazadones that a sedative to help me sleep. After the first 9 pills I almost passed out at work. Luckily I was sitting in my chair and just got off a call. The room started spinning and I got dizzy and light headed I still had about 2 hours of work left.  Work lasted longer because the fucking calls just kept coming in. So I left about 20 minutes late. I decided to go Charming because as ya’ll know just one look at him makes me smile and feel better. He saw me walk through the door and from the kitchen gave me this I’m watching you gesture that Robert DeNiro gave Ben Stiller in the meet the parents movies. That made me smile.  The hostess was checking someone out so he hollers the corner to walk around the bar and go grab a seat behind the buffet that was his section. So I did and I had a cheesy line worked out to throw at him about i how I wanted something sweet but he was not on the menu. Didn’t get to use though there was people infront and back of us.  I did sit down for a few minutes and talked and then took my order some milk, giant hot chocolate chip cookie with vanilla ice cream on top. He put the order on and took care of the other two tables and a third one came in so his whole section was full. When he went back to the kitchen I heard somebody say they were going rotate sections because he couldn’t sit and talk to me the whole time. Luckily they were kidding because I would of pissed off. Well he is certainly capable of taking care of me and his other 3 tables and still being able to sit briefly and talk to me.  So my dessert was really good and I finished it got my check and he told me to meet him upfront. I sat down upfront waited to take over the register and paid my bill and left him his usual very nice tip. I know he lives on tips like my roommate does and he just had to move to a sketchy part of town with two roommates in a one bedroom apartment and he saving for a .357 gun. So when we do hang out again hopefully this weekend we are chilling at my nice condo in a none scary area because I don’t like downtown.  His boss is being slow with the schedule so we don’t have a plan yet and getting guys to make plan instead of spur of the moment decision is a challenge and frustrating. I mean I still got his favorite beer in the fridge and
American Reunion the lastest american pie movie for about 2 weeks now. Netflix probably thinks I run off with it. So I just need just Charming. He has to pack a backpack with clothes and whatever he is bringing because I am not going to the ghetto especially after 10pm.

Really ?


I went back to work today. The only pain I had was the terrible pain behind my left eye that never seems to go away for long. I feel like I am drowning in fucking inquiries at work and being in a call center I don’t get enough time to work them and then get old and pile up like a mountain of crap on my head. After lunch my head hurt so bad I took 800 mg motrin. I thought I saw some pink spots on my hand but ignored them as the day wore on I notice red spots on both arms and my chest and stomach. I was like what the hell. My regular closes at 5 so I had to go patient first which I dreaded because they took 1 to 2 hours. I haven’t seen Charming since Friday night so I was going to see him red spots and all. Well patient first took about a hour and a half and I was getting so frustrated I almost walked out. Finally a little after 8 doctor comes in and looks at the medicine I have been taking and informs that bactrim the antibiotic I have been taking for over a week to get rid of my bacteria infection in my left butt cheek has something called sulfa and some people are allergic to it but the reaction doesn’t show up until you have been on it for awhile. I am allergic to it because I have red somewhat itchy spots all over my body. So the doctor told me not to take the last bactrim because it make the rash worse. He prescribed prednisone which makes you very hungry and told me take some benadryl. The prednisone is fucking nasty tasting.
So I got to cvs get my medicine and head to go see Charming and the is a left turn to get to the restaurant that is always fucked up. I mean all the other lights turn green twice before this damn thing changes. I get to the restaurant and Charming and most of the night crew are standing outside having a smoke break. Charming says I got 10 minutes until closing. I didn’t know it closed at 9 on Wednesday because it usually closes at 10. He came inside with me and told my order the cook and got me some sweet tea and then went to finish his cigarette. Then he came back him I told him he could box my sandwich and fries. He sat down and we talked for a few minutes. Hopefully we can catch up this weekend to do our beer movie thing but he doesn’t have him schedule yet. He cashed me out and I gave him nice tip and we hugged goodbye. So that is hug number 3.